Memorial

I made a memorial on gonetoosoon.org for the baby that we lost last November. EG's niece had a baby right after our little baby would have arrived (it's due date was June 17, 2009) and she and her husband brought the kids over and the new baby so we could all visit. It was bittersweet. Made me realize how much I am really not over the loss of our second child.

One thing about having a missed miscarriage and then having the surgery to follow is that you have nothing to remember your baby by. There is nothing to see, nothing to hold. You don't even know the gender of the baby. Our baby had died two weeks before I had the surgery, so it had shrunken up quite a bit...so there wasn't even much that could be seen on the ultrasound (which is how I knew something was wrong). There was nothing for us to even bury...everything that they took out of me was indistinguishable by that point and they sent it away for testing.

To me, life starts at conception. We had our baby with us for 10 weeks - 8 weeks of those 10, it was alive. We had our hopes and dreams for that baby. We loved it from the second we found out that we were pregnant. However tiny, that baby was still a baby to us. It was our baby.

I created the memorial to remember this little individual that impacted my life so greatly. I don't have a place to visit, or a lock of hair to hold. There are no pictures...just a memory and a lot of grief and sorrow. I just wanted something - anything, instead of letting it all go like it never happened.

I am so happy about this baby that we are having now. Every baby is special to me. No baby can be replaced...

My mom wrote a little note on the memorial site for the baby. She called it "Angel". She also told me in an email that my baby is in heaven where no sadness will ever touch it's face. How I tear up over that! But she is right - someday I will get to meet my baby.