Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It's Been Awhile!!

Well, after forgetting my username and finally figuring out what it was, I could finally access my blog. I was thinking of writing an entirely new one but decided against it.

What is new? Well, EG and I are expecting a baby in November! :) Yay! We found out through an amniocentesis that this is another little girl, and we are very happy to report that she is healthy too. She is an active little girl! I love feeling her move and kick. I'm about 21 weeks along - the first half seemed to drag out (due to all the sickness I'd been feeling), but now that medication has me pretty much all straightened out, the time seems to be flying. We have not picked out a name for her yet. We had a name for a boy, of course, but EG is a female producer...we should have known better! :)

June 17th came and went - the due date for the baby that we lost. That day I had an OB appointment for this baby and got to hear the heartbeat. It was reassuring but a little sad at the same time. I have a hard time talking about that pregnancy...and it is very true that one baby doesn't replace another. They are each individuals to me and I still mourn the loss of my baby. I was a little sad that no one remembered the day. But I didn't bring it up.

Karlee is growing up so fast! She's almost 19 months old already. She does have a few words that we can understand and a whole phrase or two too! She says, "I love you" and "Good girl". I thought that she said, "I do it" but I'm not sure about that. She says, "Mama", "Dad", "Dada", "NumNas" (food), "No", "Yeah", "Toe", "Nose", "Eye", "Puppy", "Hi", "Bye", "SpongeBob", and "Pretties" (for things she's not supposed to touch). She tries to say other things (like her name and "kitty") but we're working on those. I was a little worried about her being behind in her speech but she does try and that's good enough for me for now.

I bought a new potty chair on ebay last week that arrived today. I don't expect Karlee to pick up on potty training right away, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to try anyway. She looked at it and seemed more interested in the papers that came with it. She also wanted to take the potty part out but then she threw a fit (it was naptime) and I had to put her in her bed before she could look at it any further.

I am still in school but my 4.0 is in danger! I am taking a math class (I hate math!) that is dragging me close to a B. Oh well. I guess I couldn't stay on top forever!

EG is working hard as usual. We got to visit my parents over the 4th of July weekend which was nice. I took him to Marion Center Speedway (I have not been there for at least ten years!) on the night of the 4th. I joked and told him I was making him a "redneck for a night". I was really worried that he wouldn't like it and would be bored. But we had a lot of fun and he said he'd like to go again sometime. We got there an hour late and had to sit near the bottom closest to the track, so we were covered in dirt! We rooted for people we didn't know based on the look of their car and the number. :) I got to see my Uncle Larry for awhile too - we sat beside him for a good part of the races.

That weekend we also visited the graves of some of my relatives. We visited my cousin Jr's grave first. I had not been to visit his grave yet. I was a little hesitant to do so. He is no longer with us due to suicide, and I had a lot of anger over it I guess. He died 6 days before Karlee was born. Everytime I thought of him I would get upset or feel angry, I guess. I just have a hard time coping with his passing. I am not sure what to think of it. My therapist has tried to work with me over him...I have a hard time accepting his death. I mean, a lot of it has to do with the suicide itself. It is a very personal thing - my views and thoughts on it. When he did it, how he did it, and where he did it all have to do with my feelings over it. I think he was sick, and I don't think he really knew what he was doing in some ways. In other ways I think: he was a hunter - he knew what damage he would be doing to himself, that there would be no chance, that his mom would find him, there was no note...ugh, it was just terrible. My brother and him were very similar in a lot of ways, and that affected me too. Also, it was so hard...there my aunt had just lost her son and was calling me to congratulate me on the birth of my daughter. I think that was just horrible - she should not have had to do this...but then I think of the guy that I remember as my cousin...and how we all miss him more than he'd ever realize. Anyway, I decided that it was time to go, so we bought a few little things to put out at his site (which was hard to find something I thought would be appropriate too). While I was there I just felt sorry for him...that he never found the help that he needed. I looked at all the things that people had put out at his grave and thought maybe we should have given him these things while he was still with us...there were so many mixed emotions. I took some pictures and turned to leave, which is when I became a little more emotional. I hate goodbyes. It was long overdue.

So then we went out to my aunt Donna's site. I'd been there once before. We placed a decoration there but I didn't feel like she was there. I remember her laughter and her happiness...she just seemed too full of spirit to be there in the ground. I know it sounds weird, but that is just how I felt. Like she had too much life to stop there. I teared up as I was leaving there too, but I didn't feel quite as sad as I used to when I thought of her.

Lastly, we went out to see my Grandpap's grave. He had finally gotten his headstone, which was nice. There still isn't any grass growing over his grave. I noticed that a lot of other people's headstones had the same type of decoration that we had bought for him, and I joked to him that now he was in the "in crowd". I think he would have thought that was funny. I felt pressed for time because my mom had come with us and was sitting with Karlee in the van. I wanted to just sit down there beside him for awhile. I did not want to leave him - I always feel like he is alone, and I don't know why but I don't want to leave. So when I had to walk away I kind of choked up. I think of him EVERY day, and I wonder if I'll ever forget his voice, or his smile, or anything about him. I hope not. I want him to be with me always. I am crying just at the thought of forgetting anything about him.

OH MY! ....

So anyway, we visited briefly with Grandma Fulmer, who was in the hospital, and Grandma Carley. It is hard-hitting when you have not seen someone in awhile and then you see all the changes in them once you do. My Grandma Carley is in her 90s, and it was hard to see her not getting around like she used to do. Then Grandma Fulmer - in and out of the hospital so much - yet she is still fighting. My mom tells me all of the things that she forgets, imagines, or says now and it makes me sad. I laugh at some of it, but if I didn't I would feel really bad. They are huge parts of my childhood that seem to be slipping away.

Well, my intentions for this post were not to make me sad but it seems that they have! Overall it has been a weird day with some things that I can't yet mention until things are cleared up or straightened out, but I thought writing would take some of the stress off from some of my other thoughts. Oh well...