Monday, August 31, 2009

A Sort of Therapy: Part Six

Ok, well, let's's been awhile...

I left off with my series in therapy about BY. BY, as it turns out, was not the father of his ex-wife's baby. That was one thing that he told me that really was true.

We seemed to drift through life together. I honestly don't remember a lot about it. He eventually proposed to me and I accepted. He had picked out a ring for me and surprised me with it one night after he got home from work. It was in December - he told me that he couldn't wait until Christmas to give it to me. We were always broke. He had a hard time holding down jobs it seemed. But we would get by - barely, but we did.

I remember that we eventually landed in Brookville. He got a good paying job that he supposedly liked. I liked being away from his insane family. His mom would call all of the time, several times a day. One time she called and asked to speak to BY (it was like clockwork - he would come home from work and the phone would ring a few minutes later). He was upstairs taking a shower so I asked her if I could take a message. She said, "Well, how long will he be?"
I was kinda ticked and so I yelled up the stairs (so she could hear), "B-, your mother is calling AGAIN. She wants to know when you'll be done from the shower!" Then his mom said, "Oh, no, we're losing our boy...she's taking him away from us!" Like, total drama!! I just hung up. She was nutty. So was his dad.

One time he was working so I decided I would go visit them. I got bombarded with questions. Did I want to see a picture of his ex-wife? Did I want to see pictures of his ex-girlfriends? Did I know that his ex did this and that? It was humiliating. I didn't want to hear about how beautiful his wedding was or how much they loved his one girlfriend. Why would they do that to me? But they did. They even had his first marriage license hanging up on the wall until I had a fit about it and BY took it down and asked his parents what their problem was. As always, his mom would cry and tell him how much they missed him...what if something happened and she needed him?

Another time during Thanksgiving, we told them that we'd spend the day there and then we were going out to my parents' house to visit them in the evening. While we were at his parents' house, his mom disappeared into the kitchen. I decided to get up and see if she needed help. I went in and she was laying on the floor. I said her name and she didn't respond, so I yelled for her husband. He ran in and lifted her head off the floor (she was laying on her side - how did she fall that neatly??) and slapped her. I said, "Call an ambulance!" He said, "No! She's just not breathing. She must have passed out." I'm thinking, Just not breathing? What?! BY told me to just stand back. He didn't seem that phased. So his mom "woke up" and started crying. BY and his dad took her out to the car and his dad ordered us to meet them out at the hospital. So instead of going to my parents' house, we spent the evening at the hospital where they could not find anything wrong with her. Go figure. I voiced my suspicions to BY about it and he said it wasn't the first time that she pulled something like that. It was beyond ridiculous.

I figured that if we stayed out of Punxsutawney, we'd be ok. We just had to get away from his parents. While we were in Brookville, we got married at the courthouse. We decided not to invite anyone. We didn't want his parents ruining it by comparing it to his other marriage or making rude comments and we didn't invite my parents because we didn't want to invite one side and not the other. I didn't change my last name because I did not feel that great about it. My parents and his parents both pushed us to get married. The night before I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it. He basically told me that if I didn't, there was the door! I felt like I had no place left to go.

Eventually, things started to not add up. He'd say he was at one place but wasn't. I caught him in several lies. I didn't know what to believe. We moved (again) to a smaller apartment and one night he just left. He left me with no car, no money, nothing. I found a note in our mailbox, of all places. He said he had to get away to think. I was miserable. I called my parents and eventually went away with my best friend. I would call the apartment and leave messages for him. He came back and got was hell for me. I didn't know if he was coming or going. Then he demanded that I come home, so I had my best friend drive me back. He wasn't there. He didn't show. So my aunt offered to help me look for him one day, and I found the car (MY car) in front of his parents' house. I burst right in, did not knock, and said to his dad, "Where is he?" He didn't say anything so I went upstairs to his old bedroom, and there he was, sleeping. I started crying and asked him why he was doing this, what did I do...he said he wanted to come back and we left together.

To make a long story short, we got back together but a few months later he drove me to work and never picked me up. He had seemed fine. We talked about what we were going to do that evening. He told me he loved me and to have a great day. When I got off of work, I found out that he left the car outside. I thought he got us another car because that's what he was supposed to be doing that day. I went home but he wasn't there. I didn't check the closets. I didn't notice anything unusual. Maybe I didn't want to. I drove to his parents' house and they said they had not seen him. I called the dealership where he was supposed to have gone. They hadn't seen him all day. I said, "Well, maybe he left me a note in the car and I just didn't see it." So I went back out and checked the glove compartment. I found his wedding ring. I went back to their house and when I got onto the front porch, I heard his dad saying to his mom, "You should have told her the truth!" I went running in and said, "Tell me WHAT?!" She said that he had been there earlier and asked her not to tell me. That he didn't want to hurt me. I was so mad!! I called my parents and they just happened to be in Punxsy shopping - they said they'd be right there. My mom came in and asked his mom why she was lying for him. She didn't give a great answer. She had none. So I left...with more questions than answers. I went home and saw that he had taken a lot of clothes with him and most of the guitars (including one of mine that I bought).

I was so upset. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong...then I found out when the landlord came and demanded the rent. I thought that BY had been paying it. He hadn't. That's a big part of why he left. The bills started coming in. I changed the lock on the house and he would call me crying at 4 a.m. many times, saying that he loved me but he wanted to die, he's no good, etc. I would tell him to let me help him but then he didn't want my help. He would call me in the middle of the night telling me to come get him, and I would drive out to town to get him and either he wouldn't be there or would flip out saying to just leave him alone. It was terrible. I never knew what was going on.

Then one day I decided to get angry. I was sick of being there for him and he never cared about me. He never once asked me how I was. He never offered to help me. It was always about him. His mom would call me and cry to me about how she didn't know what was going on with him...blah blah blah. She knew enough to let him bring some other girl to live with them for awhile not too long after we had split up! But she failed to tell me that. I found this out later and when I confronted her with it she didn't have much to say. Neither did BY when he was telling me that he wanted to get back together with me. He seemed shocked that I knew. I told him to quit lying about everything and to just leave me alone. He started to slack off with the phone calls and things then.

We had been wanting to have a baby for some time. It never happened. BY had cancer at one time and I asked him if the treatments had made him sterile. He said that they did testing and he was ok. He told me that at his next appointment he would ask again. He returned home and said that the doctor said everything should be ok. BY mentioned that I had problems before with my cycle and endometriosis. Then I thought it was my fault. I went to the doctor and they told me that we'd both need to undergo testing. I told them that my husband did (because I assumed he had) and they suggested that I see a specialist. At that time, I did not have the money for it. I felt horrible. His parents would constantly ask us when they were going to get a grandchild. I told his mom many times that I felt like I wasn't giving him the family that he wanted. She told me that it would happen "someday". In the meantime, BY would get all excited when my period would be late and then we'd go through the same crap again when it would show up. He once even bought a cute little onesie for the baby that he "knew we'd have someday". It just made me feel even worse. Then one night, after he had left, he called me and blurted out that he couldn't have kids. He knew he couldn't. The doctor had suggested that he freeze some of his sperm before he had the treatments because he was certain that he wouldn't be able to after the treatments. He didn't freeze anything. He then told me that he never wanted kids anyway. I couldn't speak. I just hung up. When I confronted his mom about it later, she said, "Well, you have to look at it from B-'s point of view..." She's just as sick as he is.

It was painful. I didn't know who he was. I thought things were ok. It was like living in the twilight zone. This is a VERY brief version: again, I don't remember some of it (it's like I blocked it out) and other things are just too exhausting even to address. I was so embarrassed...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Feeling Better

I am feeling better than I was. I am hoping that I broke my cycle of crappy days.

I saw my doctor's P.A. yesterday and got some medicine to help me with my pregnancy rhinitis. It seems to be helping. At least I can breathe! I managed to scrub most of the bottom floor of my house (vacuuming, mopping, dusting, washing down some of Karlee's things, some laundry, etc) as soon as I got up, so I'm doing ok.

I'm ready for bed again. Ha! It's only a little after 11:30 a.m.

Well...that's my update for now. :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I am a bit sad today. I don't really understand why. Could be hormones.

Today I asked EG if he would cancel band practice and reschedule for another night. He didn't say anything and started walking up the stairs. I said, "Did I say something wrong?" and he didn't answer me. So when he came back down, I asked him why he didn't answer me. He said he didn't hear me. And I started crying. I said I thought I made him mad. I was really embarrassed because Ashley was here, but I couldn't help it.

All day I have felt pretty down. Quite a few times EG asked me if I was ok and I almost started crying. I teared up a lot. I feel a lot like I did before when I was depressed - lonely. I don't know why. It's the same as before. I hope I'm not getting back into that situation again. I just feel sort of...lost. But lonely is a definite part of that. Isolated maybe.

When I start out like this, I almost want to say, "I miss..." but I don't know what I'm missing. It's something. Sometimes I think it's home. But then I feel like "home" isn't where it once was. I don't know where "home" is. It should be here. "Home" is a memory. My parents now live in a house that I never lived in. They live in a town that I never lived in. Even when they did live where I used to live with them, my room was gone after I moved out. It wasn't "home" then either. So the physical stuff isn't what I miss. I think it was just a moment in time, maybe.

I sometimes don't know what I'm doing. Almost like I have no direction. Or I'm without purpose. That may or may not be true, but it's just how I feel. I know how this cycle goes. When I hit the bottom, I will feel like I wish I could just disappear. Drive. Keep driving. Disappear, even from myself. That's not possible. But it's how I feel. I hate feeling this way.

So what do we have here? Lonely. Sad. Homesick for a place that doesn't exist. A longing for...nothingness. Sleep. Disappearing.

I hope that this is all hormones and it goes away quickly. I will do my best to keep it in check. I'm under some stress, and I'm sure that this is probably my breaking point. My body's release, since I was never good at knowing how to handle stress. I don't know. It's got to get better. I can't let it get worse. I just feel myself falling. This hasn't happened for a good while. I was hoping I had gotten past it.

Does depression ever go away? Or is it always lurking in the background?

Friday, August 14, 2009

All About the Baby

Yesterday I had an OB appointment. First we had the ultrasound and then the checkup. They normally don't do ultrasounds this often, but they wanted to see if the placenta had "migrated" (gross sounding, I know - but that's really the term they used) up and off of my cervix.

Now, as horrible as this may sound, the only part about placenta previa (and it was partial, at that) that was bothering me was the pelvic rest part and not being able to use dryer sheets and the like. But I followed the rules because, of course, I love my little baby and didn't want her to show up too early because I was being selfish about my own wants. But I figured that I was used to it at this point, and I am not opposed to a C-section (I think I rather prefer one - I am terrified to go through the vaginal birth again!). So I wasn't really feeling one way or the other about it.

Well, EG and Karlee came with me so they could see the little one too, not that Karlee really gets it, but it was nice to have her there. Let me start off by saying that our ultrasound tech is awesome! She always chats with EG and seems to remember us and like us. There, they don't do 3D/4D ultrasounds unless it is medically necessary or if you pay for it in advance, and then it's just for fun. We were hoping to do that later (you aren't supposed to schedule one until you're at least 28 weeks along - I'm 25 weeks). So I wasn't expecting anything like that anyway. The baby has been developing nicely and they can check the placenta with regular ultrasound (usually they use the internal ultrasound thing to see that part). So she lubed my belly up and measured all the baby's parts, then took the time to show us different parts (and her girl parts - she was like, "Oh yeah, that's definitely a girl!"), and we watched the baby squirm around. The baby is head down now, by the way. EG was asking some questions about the baby and she said, "Well, this isn't really for the baby, it's just to see if the placenta has been pulled away from the cervix or not." But she still printed out a few pictures for us of the baby anyway. Then she said, "I just want to see something..." and pulled up the 3D/4D thing. We were so surprised! Of course, the little one had BOTH of her arms in an X shape up over her face at that point. I got a glimpse of her eye, cheeks, and chin. Just a little of her mouth. The tech tried a few times to see if she would move her arms, but she wouldn't (the little stinker!). So then she tried to show me the baby's feet, but she said the baby has to be just in the right position and she wasn't in the greatest position at that point. But we thought it was awesome that she took the time to show us.

When Karlee was going to be born, their 3D/4D equipment was new and they hadn't really used it yet. So she "practiced" on Karlee and we got some awesome photos of her - all for free! She must like us or something! :)

So anyway, the real reason we were there, like I said, was about the placenta. It did move off of the cervix. Though it is still low lying, the midwife said that I could have a vaginal birth at this point. I still have to have it checked because it is so low (it's only by a centimeter or two that it's off of the cervix, and they'd be happier if it moved away more), so that means at least one more ultrasound in four weeks! :) I don't mind that at all. It's insane - I have that appointment and then I have to start coming every TWO weeks! Time is flying by.

Some things that were cute about the ultrasound - the baby has biceps! We got a good shot of those. She also likes to suck on her hand, which was really cute. She really stretches her legs out too. She's been doing that a lot for the past few ultrasounds. Her profile is the cutest! She has a cute little button nose. Her mouth looks like it could look like Karlee's. She looks chubby to me too.

After the ultrasound, my checkup with the midwife went well. I was complaining about how much my pelvis hurts - sometimes EG has to help me get up the stairs or get into bed. She said that I'll just have to hang in there - my bones are softening and my pelvis is spreading, so sometimes it can be quite painful. I know I didn't have this problem with Karlee. It really hurts to lift my legs or seperate them sometimes. I've checked online and saw that there was actually a name (something syndrome) for it, but again, there isn't much you can do. The midwife told me to maybe get a belly support and that might help. I think it might. Anyway, the baby's heartrate is about 150 and she kicked the midwife so hard that the midwife laughed and said she felt that! EG has yet to feel her - she just clams up when he tries to feel her move! She was making all sorts of noises with that doppler - moving and kicking along with her heartrate.

We are really contemplating a name - Nadia Isabella or Nadja Isabella (we haven't decided whether we want it to be extra Russian sounding or not). I make no guarantees with this name - there are other ones that we like too, but EG seems very satisfied with Nadia/Nadja (Isabella is a compromise - I love it but he's not the most fond of it). So we'll see...

Monday, August 10, 2009


EG's family had a reunion last Saturday. It was nice, just his sisters and his brother and their kids (and their kids). EG was feeling a lot better so we went for a couple of hours.

All the new babies were there. They are all sweet little boys. They lined them up on the floor and took pictures. I couldn't help but to think that my other baby would have been there with them. But it was nice to feel my baby moving all the while...she is a nice little reminder of the great things to come.

She is a silly little goose already. She will jump around in there and kick - but as soon as EG puts his hand on my belly to feel her, she freezes! Sometimes she'll stop kicking so hard and kick at his hand very lightly and he can't feel her. She's definitely a night baby. That's when she's the most active. Yesterday evening there was a nice storm and she jumped at the sound of the thunder! Then later EG laughed suddenly and she jumped. It's so cool how they can interact with the world around them and not even be "here". I love it!

As I had said, EG is doing better. It took him quite a few days to recover, and last night he was complaining of a tight feeling in his stomach (I think it was bloating). Plus he had not eaten a lot in the past few days and yesterday he ate a lot. He went back to work today. I'm happy to see him up and around. I hate it when he's sick. It freaks me out!

I'll be adding to my "A Sort of Therapy" series. I just have to be in the mood to do it.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

What's Been Going On

EG got really sick and had to go to the ER last night. He spent almost all morning there. I won't get into details other than he is bleeding from the inside, but he is very sick. I'm very worried about him. They sent him home without really checking him out...they told him that if things don't get better to come back. He is still sick (though probably not in as much pain - though he has bouts of extreme pain). He is hardly ever sick, and this has never happened before. I was crying last night because I could not go with him (he didn't want me to wake up Karlee and I understand). I was just so worried, and I still am. He doesn't look good. I called him off of work for tomorrow and if he's still having the same problems I think I'm going to make him go back to the ER.

EG never sees a doctor regularly. I think he feels that he is pretty healthy, that doctors are expensive, so what's the point? And since he hasn't seen a doctor in years, once he actually tried to get in this past spring (for chest pain), they gave him a July appointment that had to be rescheduled to October. Basically, they told him if he was having problems to go to the ER. Ha! Like that helped. The ER doctor told him to call his family doctor for a follow up.


The baby is getting bigger. She had slowed down in her movements which freaked me out. I had really horrible cramping and slight spotting last week so I called my OB. They told me to go to Labor & Delivery. EG came home from work early so I could go. I was having mild contractions, but the baby was doing ok. They couldn't check me vaginally because of the placenta previa. They started me on an IV because my urine was really bad looking (she said it looked like iced tea - gross, I know) and was full of ketones. So then they gave me antibiotics through the IV as well. She thinks that I was not eating enough or drinking enough. That can also cause the cramping, and would explain why the baby had slowed its movements. I just had not felt all that well and didn't take anything to drink or eat all day. I know, stupid, but it's hard to remember to drink something when you don't feel thirsty. I've had that problem almost all of my life, which is why I've had kidney stones, more UTIs and kidney problems than I can count. Amazingly, I didn't have a urinary infection, though she said that I was close to it.

So I have been trying to do better about these things. Today, because of EG and being so tired and such, I didn't drink or eat as much as I should have. My feet are really swollen. So I will make up for it tomorrow and I'm trying to drink a lot right now.

In better news...

The baby is big enough for me to see her kicking -she makes my belly jump. I love it. She was very active yesterday. My belly was like a punching bag. I just wish she would kick for EG. It seems like he's sleeping or at work when she's her most active. When I tell him to put his hand on my belly, she stops! I noticed that he likes to feel my belly a lot more than before - or it might be that I let him more than I did before. I like it - I wish I wouldn't have been so self-conscious before. It's a great bonding moment for all of us.

Well, I need to get off of here and chill out. If anyone is reading this, please say a little prayer for EG. Thank you!

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Sort of Therapy: Part Five

I had been working at a pizza place in Clymer for a few years. I made some good friends there. I learned a lot about myself. My boss was JR, a guy in his 40s. He was very outgoing and fun, for the most part. He only hired women/girls and instructed us to throw the men's applications out. He did not trust guys. He would party right along with the rest of us and often supplied the alcohol, even if he wasn't going to be there. He was married to a nice woman, had two small children, and his elderly parents helped him to run the business. During the day, there was a woman that worked there who was in her mid-twenties, SM. JR depended on SM for EVERYTHING. She held the business together, it seemed. So when SM had to move on (she finished college), JR changed drastically. He was under a lot of stress. Before long, I found myself in SM's former position - doing schedules, sometimes closing or opening, helping with the ordering of supplies, menu changes and prices, etc. A lot of the newer girls relied on me if they weren't sure of how to do something. I trained a lot of people and even did interviews when JR didn't want to or couldn't. I also took his dad to chemo appointments when JR could not, picked JR up when he was out drinking too much, and watched his son here and there. I did some personal errands for him too.

I found myself finally working dayshift (everyone wanted it but there were only two spots for it). I thought I deserved it for being his "go-to" girl. At that time, I was thinking of my future and knowing that I could not work for a pizza shop all of my life. I found out that I was the highest paid person there, but it was not by much (I'm talking a matter of cents). I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I put in a lot of overtime and was there anytime he needed me to be. Then a girl was returning from work after having a baby, and JR was going to put me back on nightshift. That threw me. I was really not expecting it. So I decided to get another job and stop messing around. I wrote him a really nice letter thanking him for everything he'd done, how much I'd learned and how I loved the job, but that I needed a new experience. I even told him that I'd continue working there until he could find a replacement for me.

First, let me explain something: JR was known for not being able to seperate business from personal things. A lot of other girls would need to quit and break down crying asking him not to be mad at them. I was the same - that's why I decided to go with a letter. He had a reputation of giving a bad recommendation if someone left when he didn't think that they should. That was all I needed.

Anyway, after he got the letter, he stopped speaking to me for weeks. He barely said a word to me, and only if he had to. One weekend he put me on nightshift with no explanation. I went to work. It was really busy. I don't remember everything but I do remember that he just suddenly flipped out on me in front of a lot of people - co-workers and customers, about me writing him that letter. He said that we weren't in "high school passing notes" anymore and if I had something to say to say it to his face. He didn't need me, and his business did not depend on me. I didn't say anything. I know I was tempted to punch him in the face, but I stood there with my hands clenched behind my back and let him scream in my face. I didn't cry. He went on and on for at least 5 minutes while customers were just a few feet away. So he finally stopped and went over to the other side of the kitchen (it was open - the customers could see everything because there was just a counter seperating them from the kitchen). The phone was ringing. Everyone was trying to get back to work. I put on my coat and grabbed my keys...I was standing there thinking, "Should I just walk out? Say something? Just let it go?" One of the customers looked at me and shook her head, like she pitied me. I grabbed the phone that was ringing, took one last order, and said goodbye to the girls. I walked out.

I had asked JR for a loan and he had been taking it out of my pay every week. He yelled at me that he wanted the balance in full on Monday or he'd take me to court. I didn't say anything. We had a verbal agreement and that was that. I knew I owed him the money and intended to pay him back. In the letter I had addressed this and asked him to please speak to me about it so we could work the rest of the money I owed out. He chose not to.

JR was friends with the magistrate. I had often picked him up, too drunk to drive, at the magistrate's house. I knew that he'd sue me if I didn't pay right away. But I didn't have it - not within two days. And he knew that.

So Monday came and went, and I had no money, obviously. I got a job in no time but it took me a month to officially get in (three interviews, a test, several clearances and a drug test along with training over an hour away). JR called my house and yelled at me about the money. He said, "When are you going to pay me?" I said, "As soon as I get my first paycheck." He said, "Not good enough. Why aren't you paying anything at all?" I told him, "You said not to bother you unless I had the money in full. I don't have it." I then asked him not to call me and harrass me anymore, that I would get the money to him when I had it. He said, "Then your ass is going to court." I made a point of repeating everything he said with my parents in the room. JR never liked that. It always ticked him off.

So about two weeks after I had quit, I got notice that I was being sued in court. My parents were so mad at JR. JR was purposely doing this because I had quit. I heard from a girl still working there that his wife had not known about the loan and was freaking out over it too. So my parents gave me the money and I took it down to the pizza place. One of the girls that I had worked with since forever snubbed me. I was not surprised. JR came to the front and counted the money. He said, "This isn't enough." I said, "That's how much I owed you." He said, "Not with court costs." I just stared at him. I told him I'd be right back. I went out to the car (my dad had driven me down) and told my dad. My dad was furious. He wanted to go in there and give JR a piece of his mind. I just asked him if he had the rest of the money (it was something ridiculous, like a $15 filing fee), and my dad gave it to me. I went back in and gave it to him. I asked him for a receipt. He wrote it out, and when I looked at it I handed it back and asked him to please write, "Paid in Full" on it. He did, and I wished him a Merry Christmas. He didn't say anything and I left.

A year or two later, my parents saw him and his family at the hospital. He had the nerve to pretend like nothing had ever happened and asked my mom how she was. She said, "Fine" and proceeded to walk right past him. They will not order from the pizza shop anymore, even though I hear he doesn't own it anymore.

On all of my applications, when it is asked if they can contact my employers, I say "Yes" but then when interviewed I explain my former boss's feelings towards me in the most professional way possible.

I still have dreams about that place! I often dream that JR is mad at me or that I forgot to go to work...something along those lines.

In the meantime I had gotten a job working with people who lived with physical and mental disabilities. It was the night shift. I was supposed to hang out, clean, and check on them (there were three gentlemen) during the night. It wasn't a terrible job, but I was on my own and had difficulty getting them all out in the middle of the night firedrill in under two minutes.

I had met a man named BY during this time. BY was from Punxsutawney and I was working in Indiana (about 40 minutes away). He seemed like a sweet guy. I knew he was living with his parents and was under the impression that he worked for his uncle. He seemed like a sweet, quiet guy. Before I had been dating someone that moved to Philadelphia. The distance was too much. It was nice to see someone that lived a little closer. I was still speaking to MA during this time, but that was it. I didn't see him. He'd call me once in awhile.

BY was persistent. After our first date, I wanted to just go slow. I wasn't in a hurry to jump into anything. BY called me a lot. He wanted to see me the very next day after our first date. We went to a fire tower out in the woods and hung out, just getting to know each other. On other dates I paid for a lot of things. I had a decent paying job and didn't think about it, I guess. His parents seemed nice enough. A little on the strange side, but nice. Before I really realized it, we were inseperable. I would end up driving all the way to Punxsutawney after a really long shift (12 to 16 hours), sleep at his place, get around, hang out with him, and be off to work that same night. It got very tedious and I found myself falling asleep while driving. He thought we should just get an apartment together. I was never home and was always with him anyway. So we went looking for an apartment.

My mom was not happy. She did not want me moving in with a guy. She thought we should be married first. I opted to take my aunt's advice. She said you never really know someone until you live with them, so I should just find out before doing something as serious as getting married.

We found an apartment in Punxsutawney. It was on the third floor of this old Victorian house (it was basically the attic). But it was ours! We got a cat that we weren't supposed to have (my Kelita!) and things changed. First he convinced me to quit my job. He told me that he'd make enough money to support us both by doing odd jobs for his uncle. I didn't need to drive all those miles to work doing something I wasn't too happy doing. He would take care of everything. He just wanted me to stay at home and take care of the apartment and him. So I stupidly did. I fell for everything he said. He couldn't afford to take care of everything on his own. We found ourselves living without a lot of things and barely making the rent. He had to get a job stocking at the local supermarket. His "job" with his uncle wasn't working out. I think he really didn't have a job - he just said he did.

So we soon found ourselves having to move. I believed everything he told me. He took care of the bills. One night we were visiting his parents, and I heard his mom ask him if he had heard from "Holly". He said he hadn't and didn't seem to want to talk about it. She said, "You need to talk to her. Are you sure it isn't yours?" I had tried not to pay attention to that, but when she said that, I was all ears. He said, "Yes, it's not mine. I told you that!" He walked away from her. She followed. She said, "But how do you know?" He said, "Because I wasn't with her then!" And then I had to say something. I asked what was going on. His mom said, "His ex is having a baby and we don't know who is the father." BY said, "It's probably her boyfriends! I wasn't with her!" And then his mom insisted that he get a DNA test. I was pretty shaken, to say the least. We went up to his old bedroom to talk and his mom followed. I asked him why she cared so much. His mom said, "Well it is his wife!" I was floored. "WHAT?" I asked. He said, "We're not together. I am just waiting to get enough money to get divorced. We haven't been together in a long time!" I started crying and asking him why he didn't tell me. He said he didn't want to lose me. She didn't matter. They hadn't been together and that wasn't his baby. I told him to take me to my parents house. In the driveway, at my parents, he told me that it was a big deal. I flipped out yelling at him. Not a big deal?! Wow. So my dad came out and told me to stop my yelling, that everyone could hear me. I went into the house and my mom told me that I shouldn't treat him like that (she didn't know about the "marriage" yet).

He called me and convinced me that it wasn't as bad as it sounded. He loved me and I was everything to him. She left him for another guy and they were having a baby together. It wasn't his. I believed him, just like for the next two years I'd believe anything he said...