Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I am a bit sad today. I don't really understand why. Could be hormones.

Today I asked EG if he would cancel band practice and reschedule for another night. He didn't say anything and started walking up the stairs. I said, "Did I say something wrong?" and he didn't answer me. So when he came back down, I asked him why he didn't answer me. He said he didn't hear me. And I started crying. I said I thought I made him mad. I was really embarrassed because Ashley was here, but I couldn't help it.

All day I have felt pretty down. Quite a few times EG asked me if I was ok and I almost started crying. I teared up a lot. I feel a lot like I did before when I was depressed - lonely. I don't know why. It's the same as before. I hope I'm not getting back into that situation again. I just feel sort of...lost. But lonely is a definite part of that. Isolated maybe.

When I start out like this, I almost want to say, "I miss..." but I don't know what I'm missing. It's something. Sometimes I think it's home. But then I feel like "home" isn't where it once was. I don't know where "home" is. It should be here. "Home" is a memory. My parents now live in a house that I never lived in. They live in a town that I never lived in. Even when they did live where I used to live with them, my room was gone after I moved out. It wasn't "home" then either. So the physical stuff isn't what I miss. I think it was just a moment in time, maybe.

I sometimes don't know what I'm doing. Almost like I have no direction. Or I'm without purpose. That may or may not be true, but it's just how I feel. I know how this cycle goes. When I hit the bottom, I will feel like I wish I could just disappear. Drive. Keep driving. Disappear, even from myself. That's not possible. But it's how I feel. I hate feeling this way.

So what do we have here? Lonely. Sad. Homesick for a place that doesn't exist. A longing for...nothingness. Sleep. Disappearing.

I hope that this is all hormones and it goes away quickly. I will do my best to keep it in check. I'm under some stress, and I'm sure that this is probably my breaking point. My body's release, since I was never good at knowing how to handle stress. I don't know. It's got to get better. I can't let it get worse. I just feel myself falling. This hasn't happened for a good while. I was hoping I had gotten past it.

Does depression ever go away? Or is it always lurking in the background?