Memorial

I made a memorial on gonetoosoon.org for the baby that we lost last November. EG's niece had a baby right after our little baby would have arrived (it's due date was June 17, 2009) and she and her husband brought the kids over and the new baby so we could all visit. It was bittersweet. Made me realize how much I am really not over the loss of our second child.

One thing about having a missed miscarriage and then having the surgery to follow is that you have nothing to remember your baby by. There is nothing to see, nothing to hold. You don't even know the gender of the baby. Our baby had died two weeks before I had the surgery, so it had shrunken up quite a bit...so there wasn't even much that could be seen on the ultrasound (which is how I knew something was wrong). There was nothing for us to even bury...everything that they took out of me was indistinguishable by that point and they sent it away for testing.

To me, life starts at conception. We had our baby with us for 10 weeks - 8 weeks of those 10, it was alive. We had our hopes and dreams for that baby. We loved it from the second we found out that we were pregnant. However tiny, that baby was still a baby to us. It was our baby.

I created the memorial to remember this little individual that impacted my life so greatly. I don't have a place to visit, or a lock of hair to hold. There are no pictures...just a memory and a lot of grief and sorrow. I just wanted something - anything, instead of letting it all go like it never happened.

I am so happy about this baby that we are having now. Every baby is special to me. No baby can be replaced...

My mom wrote a little note on the memorial site for the baby. She called it "Angel". She also told me in an email that my baby is in heaven where no sadness will ever touch it's face. How I tear up over that! But she is right - someday I will get to meet my baby.

The Joys of Motherhood

I am exhausted! I feel like I'm physically falling apart! The past few nights have been terrible sleeping wise. My legs cramp up and even my shoulders hurt and I have to change positions frequently. Then I have to pee. Then I can't breathe (swollen nasal membranes - thank you pregnancy hormones!). By the time I'm supposed to be getting up I'm ready for bed! :)

On Mondays I like to clean because I don't have homework and I guess it has just become a ritual for me. So I got up, reluctantly, and took my first step - IMMEDIATE PAIN! Ugh. Looks like I can't escape sciatica this time either. With Karlee it was my left side. Today it was my right side. We shall see how this is going to go (hopefully it will go away!).

What else can I complain about? My morning sickness. Ha! Yeah, it seems to have picked up again and I can feel it through my medication. Blah. Would you believe that the other night I threw up? I thought those days were gone (thanks to my medicine). Oh well...

On a better note, I am looking very pregnant and I haven't gained any weight in the last month (which is good for me). I love feeling this little girl kick and move. I like to talk to her when she moves - I am happy that she is awake and can hear me. That is amazing to me! I am starting to feel the need to come up with a name so I can speak to her with her name instead of "Baby" or "Little girl". EG and I both like Nadya, but we haven't really decided on that yet (or I haven't- LOL). I want to avoid any names that end in the "e" sound - hence KarlEE, AshlEY, EG, and even the cat - KellY.

Karlee is doing really well. She almost has a full set of teeth. The ones that are coming in now are bothering her somewhat. Last night she was trying to say "duck". She has a rubber ducky that squirts water for her bath, and EG taught her "duck" pretty quickly. She has been working on saying "mouth". She picked up "Thank You" really well - we must just say it a lot and she picked up on that. It's funny though - sometimes she uses it inappropriately. If I tell her to get out of something, sometimes she'll say, "Thank You". Hahaha! She still has been throwing fits every now and again but I guess that's to be expected. She has started hitting things or grabbing things and I'm trying to teach her the word "mad" so she can maybe talk things out, but that's going to take awhile.

Well, I guess that's it for now...I just felt like writing a little!